Fifteen years ago, I got in touch with my heart.
I was 24. Young. Impressionable. Naive. Hopeful. Full of the spirt. Alive. Irresponsible. Free.
Stupid.
I was in process of enrolling at USD for my graduate degree counseling classes in Higher Ed.
Why did I NOT follow through?
No money.
Not enough passion for the degree.
Wanting an adventure.
So...
I folded.
I moved to San Diego, to pursue LIFE and my dream, rather than graduate school.
Now...
At 39, I ask myself,
"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?! Not go to grad school?!!!"
At the age of 24, BOY! Was I having a BLAST! If I could relive those days! I would relive all those moments in a heartbeat!!
However fun at the time, it took over 10 years to pay off the debt.
Another part of me sighs---I hear the angel or quite possibly the devil, on the opposite shoulder saying,
"You could never have afforded that graduate education. You enrolled at a prestigious school, and got in. BUT---you would STILL be paying the financial debt, in a career that would never have fulfilled you."
So, I switched gears.
I decided to pursue my DREAM!
I became...
Drum roll, please....
An acTOR.
(silence).
Well...
No, actually. I'm not.
I'm not an actor.
Truth be told?
I am not an actor. Not a fulltime one.
I hustle for a living.
I pick up odd jobs here and there to make ends meet.
I can't waitress. I dropped too many plates when I tried. I got yelled at a lot.
It sucked
So I nanny.
I promo.
I smile when I want to scream at people who are REALLY REALLY REALLY STUPID.
I audition.
A lot.
Yes. I'm a fulltime "Auditioner."
This is my title.
CAROLINE GRANGER THE AUDITIONER.
Yeah... I know, I know.
I've heard it ALL.
"...it's just a matter of time! so and so got discovered after years of poverty and hardships... don't give up! Your time is coming! YOU are so talented!! We believe in you, Caroline!!"
Really?
I thought that God, yes, the voice of God, told me those 15 years ago, that I had something special...unique... a gift of believability and raw emotion that the world wanted to see in order to tap into their own emotion and psyche! Caroline, Caroline, you have this gift! Go for it!
Well, and at that time, I wasn't thinking about the other 7.8 million people between LA, NY and Atlanta that have THIS gift.
Story sound familiar?
Yes, we've ALL tricked ourselves into thinking we have that SPECIAL GIFT that no one else can match.
Hmmm...
I question that voice now.
It took me 15 years.
Yep.
I'm slow to give up.
I'm also nearing 40.
Sometimes you just have to get honest, and look at reality.
And that's what I've done.
I recognize now, that that voice I "thought" I heard 15 years ago, was really, quite possibly...
Me.
THAT voice was the voice of needing recognition and love.
THAT voice was the little girl craving attention and desire to be a priority.
THAT voice was not GOD at all...
THIS voice now that I thought was THAT voice THEN, that I THOUGHT I'd been hearing for 15 years, 8 moves ago, poverty, living out of my car, sleeping on random people's couches, sacrificing everything for, wasn't God at all.
The voice was really...
ME.
All...
ME.
That soft voice within, that wooing voice for adventure, and romance and excitement---is really the wooing of God.
The desire for fame and success, and wanting to feel as if "I" have accomplished something in my life is...well...
ME.
That voice I heard 15 years ago, was partially God...
God calling me into HIS desire to feel special BY HIM.
But the acting part?
I don't know...
I still think that might have just been...
little
ole
me.
